Feeling blue...

Yesterday was not a good day for me, and to be honest the day before wasn't one of the best either. I have decided that I just don't handle stress very well. I also drew the conclusion that there are more stressors in my life than what I thought. So, I guess when the doctor's ask, "are you stressed", I can honestly say, "yes". I feel as though the weight of the world is riding on my shoulders, and I don't know how to release the tension and feel better. I thought that talking to a friend would help...but what friends... I feel all alone. I feel as though I'm in an empty room all by myself with nothing to do but think about my thoughts. I try praying, singing songs, getting more involved in activities to distract me, but they seem like "bandaids", temporary patches for what the real issues are. So, what are the real issues, you might ask? Good question. But if I really sit and think about it, I know what the issues are...I'm afraid to deal with them, for fear of the consequences. So I carry it from day to day, hoping it will just go away. That good ol' Bible verse that says we reap what we sow...yeah, it's coming back to haunt me. I made some decisions and choices that backfired on me, and instead of facing the problem head on, I choose to keep letting it build up. I want to face reality, and get it "over with", but I'm afraid of the end result. To make things better would involve being honest, something that I deeply struggle with. I'm scared. If I say nothing, it will get worse. If I say something, I could potentially have some damage that I need to repair. Or, God could have mercy on me... I don't like the "what if's". I want something concrete, this is the problem, this is the solution, and these are the consequences. If only it was that easy. If you're reading this, let me know what your thoughts are, because I need help.

I love my family!!!!!

So I have quite a bit to tell you in this post. First of all, I just want to say that I love my family. I grow closer to them each and everyday. I also realize that without family, on earth, we have nothing. I am nothing, without my family. For the last 2 1/2 months my family has been tried in different areas, and we are still strong, and love each other more today than ever before. It's amazing! OK, now that that's out of the way...Karnell was in this huge drum competition held at Guitar Center. For those not in the musical world, that is a very well know music store that sells predominately guitars, of course, keyboards and drums/percussion. Anyway, he entered the competition in Kansas City and didn't win, he didn't even place. He was a little sad, but I believe he knew what to do to make it better for the next time he would enter. This past Wednesday he entered the drum contest along with 7 other drummers. It was pretty intense. The talent varied greatly. I was a really neat experience if you ever get the chance to go. Well, needless to say, Karnell won!!!!!!!!! I just couldn't believe it, I was jumping up and down in excitement. So he gets to compete again on October 3, if he wins there, he will travel to Denver to compete! We are very excited. If he wins the whole competition, I believe he gets endorsements, a car, and some other cool stuff! Don't quote me on that though...I am so proud of him. He sets the bar high for himself, and he amazes me with his talent each and every time. I is a bad drummer! I stand in awe when he plays. When I listen to him, it's as though I can connect and feel what he's playing. I love the sense of closeness. I'm only that close to him when he plays. I mean when he's playing, he's telling a story and his whole being is in it. I connect with that, I understand every note, it's like reading a great, novel, a true page turner! OK, enough of that. If you haven't picked it up by now, I love my husband. I love you baby! OK, here are some pictures my family and some pictures that I took at the drum competition. Enjoy!

Worry and stress are not my middle names!

So I have been having the hardest time trying to not worry and destress my life. Everyday, it seems as though there is something to worry or stress out over. If I didn't know better, you would think it would be best to be naive. They say that knowledge is power...but what kind of power. I think to me, it has taken over my mind. You always hear of the effects that worrying and stress do to the body. I consider myself to be pretty smart and well educated, so why can't I master this? It has haunted me for as long as I can remember. And to add to it, now that I am married, it seems as though I worry and stress even more...AUGGGGGG! I try to keep my life on a consistent schedule, but of course, that never works. What should I do? I know that it's in the Lord's hands, EVERYTHING. I should truly rest in that, but that is something that is so hard for me. That's like asking a carpenter to preform brain surgery, virtually impossible. I know, I know, with God, he makes the impossible- possible. But how do I take that small step, in the right direction, when in my mind I have a huge mountain to tackle. Yes, I could quote scriptures all day long, but what physical action do I need to take. Yes, I know that I need to trust in the Lord with all my heart, and lean not to my own understand. But when that little bit of fear starts to creep in, what should I do... when singing doesn't help, praying doesn't help... reading the Bible doesn't seem to cut it. And on top of all that, I feel alone. Just trying to let you know what's in my head...complex thoughts sometime, but I am trying to be humble and admit that I need help. The first step to recovery is admitting the problem. Give me your comments; I want to know what you think, or your opinion.

A little bit about me...

Even though I have posted a few blogs at this point, I thought that it would be nice if you knew a little bit about me. I know, it's better late than never! Well, I was born and raised in Kansas City, MO. I attended Tri- City Christian school from Kindergarten through my senior year. I went to Longview Community College for about 3 years and transfered to SMSU in Springfield, MO. I met Karnell (my husband) March of 2004, got engaged October 2004, and graduated December 2004. Wow! What a year! After graduating, I moved back to KCMO to be an Assistant Director of a private preschool. Karnell moved to KCMO January 2005. We got married October 1, 2005. I lost my job as an Assistant Director November 2005, and started being a stripper...just kidding! I did lose my job, and I started being a server which I did until June 2007. I decided to go back to school, so we bought a house and moved back to Springfield, MO. Now, I've been in Springfield for about 3 months. I work at Second Baptist Church in the Missions Office, and Karnell works full time at Cheddar's Cafe', and part time playing the drums at Springfield Brewing Company.

I love being active and being around children. Getting married to Karnell, besides asking the Lord in my heart, was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I absolutely love being married to Karnell. He is an absolute joy to have in my life. 2 days are never the same. He genuinely loves me the most that any man could love a woman...and that's a great feeling. Of course we have our ups and downs, but I wouldn't trade them for the world. He's my "favorite", and I'm his "one and only"! I love you baby.

Enough mush...I am very detailed and very much a perfectionist. Children are my heartstrings, it's what I live for. The very essence of my being wants to make children happy. To me, messing with children, is like messing with my passage to heaven. I pray that my passion only grows, and that I can do mighty things for children, Lord willing.

Well, there you have it, me in a nutshell. I am very much a simpleton. Nothing fancy, with bells and whistles. I do want to have a purpose for life and fulfill that purpose with integrity and passion. I want to be a milestone today, to pave the way for children tomorrow. One brick at a time.

What! I'm not at home...?

I can't believe that it's finally Friday. Man, it sure did take a long time to get here. Especially since I have to be at work at 7am...that's a killer! So, you know I've been on this quest to find myself, boy, it is quite the journey! I try to learn something about myself everyday, and this week has just overwhelmed me with things I didn't know about myself. I have officially decided that Child Life is something that I want to whole heartedly pursue. Now I know you are probably thinking, isn't that the whole reason why you moved to Springfield. I would answer yes, but since I've been here, it seems as though my whole world has turned upside down. Not in a bad way, just different. I typically enjoy change, I don't like doing the same thing for very long. I am always on the move, but moving here has been a challenge. I don't know why quite yet. I have made some steps forward. I've joined a Child Life organization on campus, I volunteer at Cox South, I'm apart of a Scrapbooking club at church, and I read to children in a new Coffee House downtown. On top of that, I work full time at a church and I take a class once a week in the afternoon. You would think that I would be back into the swing of things. Then I was talking to a friend earlier this week and I figured out why I feel the way that I do. It's because Springfield, to me, isn't home. My first impression of Springfield was and still is a college town, it's where I went to college. Whenever I wanted to leave I would go home (KC). Now that I "live" here, it's not home to me. Even though I work here, have a house here, all my stuff is here, it's not home. I don't know how to make it feel like home. Also, I can't go to KC as often as I would like...not for any particular reason, it's just that I've filled my life here with stuff to do, that now, going to KC isn't really an option. I really didn't think I would be so home sick, but I guess I am. If anyone has a suggestion of how to get over this big hump, please, I welcome your comments! Sorry for the really long blog, I just had to get this off my chest. I feel much better now! :)

Guess who's 30?

Ok, so I've missed a few days of posts...oops. Well, now that it's Wednesday, I must recap for you. This past Saturday was Karnell's birthday! He turned the big 30. We had a lot of fun. For his birthday we went to the Branson Landing. For those of you that are familar with KCMO it is a cross between the Plaza and Crown Center. We loved it, we had dinner at a really wonderful restarant and sat to watch the fountain show and listen to some drummers! One of the drummers picked someone out of the audience to play and that lucky someone was...ME! (I am pretty sure that Karnell was jealous!) Needless to say, we had a very good time. What a birthday!

Success

How does a person measure success? Is it just how a person carries himself, or is it a measure of accomplishments? I obviously know that the accomplishments do not have to be great, just accomplished. It is with this question that I write my blog. I try to surround myself with successful people everyday. But there is one thing that I notice, they people that I'm around are doing things and making way to be successful, as for I am sitting on my talent doing nothing. I can't help but be reminded of the Bible verse where God gave talents to three people. Two of them went and make themselves successful, while the third went and buried his. He did nothing. That is totally me! I feel as though I have so much to offer myself, but fears of being inadequate, or failing, or whatever begin to invade my head. It stops me from being me. Whenever I have this feeling, it grips me so tight that, what was once a very achievable goal, not is next to nearly impossible. How do I overcome that? It's not so hard for me to "bite the bullet" and just do it. My mind has to be convinced that there is minimal risk involved. If anyone knows me at all, you will know that I am a huge risk taker. I love living on the edge, it gives me a rush. Two totally conflicting views. My mom always taught me that there are no failures, except for those that never tried. There is always knowledge to gain when effort is portrayed. My desire to be successful, is being smothered by my inadequacy. It is as though I am faced with a huge brick wall, and have no tools to either tear it down, or climb it. I'm stuck. I'm stuck in my marriage, stuck with my life, stuck with my decisions, just stuck. Don't be misinformed. It's not that my marriage, life and the decisions that I make are bad, that is not the case, it's just that they are inadequate. I know that I can do something to change that, I just don't know what that is. Yes, I want to be successful if that means that my life has a meaning and purpose. Right now I feel as though I am roaming aimlessly, without a cause. I have felt this way for a very long time. Just a little food for thought.