So for those of you that are married, I'm sure you can relate. Those that aren't married, here's a lesson! Karnell and I have been married for over 2 years now. Even though we've had our up's and down's, the overall package of marriage has been great. When I say overall package, what does that mean? Well, I'll tell you what I think it means...at least in our marriage.
I think it means going through rough times, so that you can appreciate the good times. Rough times meaning: when money is tight, priorities shift, time isn't managed properly, roles are reversed, tension is in the air...I think you get my point. It's in times like these and many others when you decide "we're in this for the long haul". I know what you are probably thinking, Karnell and I had a fight. Nope, we are doing great! So, what brought on this discussion?
A lot of my friends are married, but one thing that I find VERY consistant between all of their marriages is that they don't talk about them. It's a very taboo subject. They give a facade that in their marriage, "all is well". The best way to learn about something is to ask questions, and learn from others experiences. Well, if no one's talking, how can you learn?
They say that the top 3 reasons couples divorce are: sex, money and communication. I beg to differ. The main reason for divorce is that no one TALKS about these 3 items. If people opened up, they would begin to see that there are lots of couples that have the same problems, but along with that, there is a support network of others going through the same thing! Divorce occurs because they feel isolated, with no where to turn.
No, none of my friends are getting a divorce...as far as I know. But quite a few of them are putting on a show "that all's well". That's scary, because when arguements occurs, they are in a very dangerous place...because the truth comes out.
So, my challenge to the married couples: find that network of married people you trust and get open and candid about your marriage. Not talking just about the "bad", but the "good" as well. Do it for your marriage. For the singles: remember, talking about your marriage is a good thing, it just might be your words that save your friends marriage...so talk!
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2 comments:
I believe that many if not most problems in marriage stem from NOT understanding how your spouse communicates.
Three items:
1) "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus" is a good reference for communication in marriage AND understanding the opposite sex.
Also, has anyone heard of:
2) Lifelanguages.com
I will check it out, directly, and report back.
It is suppose to help men and women communicate in marriage, understand each other and find out what is really important to your spouse.
3) This is a medical / biological fact:
The two sides of a woman's brain are connected. The two sides of a man's brain are not connected.
Therefore, science determined, back in the 80's, that this is why men are more analytical because they compartmentalize as the result of the way their brain is made.
On the other hand, women see both sides of the issue all at once because of the way their brain is made.
Conclusion:
This is why women are more emotional then men, at least from the outset of any issue.
Obviously, because of this biological difference, there are built-in problems between men and women.
I became sick on Feb 7 & today March 8 I am still sick which is why I have not returned.
PLEASE PRAY that I get well.
I finally went to lifelanguages.com and here is a clip:
The 7LifeLanguages™ have three categories, which are: Emotive, Cognitive, and Kinetic. People who speak emotive languages generally respond to life, people, stress, and values first with their hearts, then with their heads and actions. People who speak cognitive languages generally respond to life, people, stress, and values first with their heads, then with their hearts and actions. Those who speak kinetic languages generally respond to life people, stress, and values with actions, then with their heads or hearts.
Many times, what may appear to be management, racial, gender, class, or other diversity issues really ends up being a communication issue. The 7LifeLanguages™ and the Kendall Life Languages Profile ™ can identify the communication challenges and help build effective teams to achieve the maximum efficiency. The goal of Life Languages Institute®, Inc. is to help people (and organizations) reach their full potential through character, communication, and effectiveness.
The most successful way to create a coherent individual and organizational culture is to profile all organizational members from the beginning. By profiling everyone at one time, LLI can provide a directory. The directory lists all persons alphabetically and provides their top three languages and last language with, score, range, and intensity. The directory also includes a summary of the 7LifeLanguages™ with instructions for effectively applying the insights provided by this analysis.
It is important to remember that everyone has a combination of ALL 7LifeLanguages™ at varying levels and intensities.
Because everyone has All 7LifeLanguages™, it is best not to try to predict, guess, or estimate someone's Primary Life Language.
The best way to identify how people communicate is by using the Kendall Life Languages Profile™ (KLLP™).
"The crucial point to be considered in a study of language behavior is the relationship between language and reality, between words and not-words. Except as we understand this relationship, we run the grave risk of straining the delicate connection between words and facts, of permitting our words to go wild, and so of creating for ourselves fabrications of fantasy and delusion.” -- Wendell Johnson
THE MOVER LANGUAGE(tm)
MOVER: Direct, Assertive, Ambitious, Pioneering, Reactive, and Standard Bearers.
“Logic will not change an emotion, but action will!” -- Zig Ziglar
Movers tend to be proactive people who act before thinking or feeling. They are risk-takers, action oriented, honest, and frank. They usually have high energy and are concerned with the motives of self and others. Time seems to pass slowly for Movers when there is no activity and they may loose track of time when active. They can be demanding, critical, and judgmental. Usually, they are entrepreneurial and may frequently change jobs.
THE DOER LANGUAGE™
DOER: Dedicated, Observant, Diligent, Practical, Efficient, and Responsible.
“A pint of sweat will save a gallon of blood.” -- Gen. George S. Patton
Doers tend to be action-oriented, now-oriented, good maintainers, and very responsive to what is happening. They spend little time on personal introspection and look to meeting practical needs. They are very time conscious. They can be compulsive, perfectionistic, ritualistic, and martyred. High Doers tend to do what is necessary to be successful.
THE INFLUENCER LANGUAGE™
INFLUENCER: Creative, Optimistic, Relational, Persuasive, Enthusiastic, and Verbal.
“Interdependence is and ought to be as much the ideal of men as self-sufficiency. Man is a social being.” – Mahatma Gandhi
Influencers tend to be highly verbal, encouraging, enthusiastic, innovative, people-oriented, future-oriented, solution focused, and not necessarily controlled by time. They may tend to exaggerate and manipulate. High Influencers are natural cheerleaders and networkers.
THE RESPONDER LANGUAGE(tm)
RESPONDER: Compassionate, Passionate, Sensitive, Warm, Reactive, and Verbal.
“Those who don’t know how to weep with their hearts, don’t know how to feel joy either.” -- Golda Meir
Responders tend to be feeling-oriented, creative, sympathetic, affectionate, people-oriented, and not controlled by time or schedules. They may tend to blame themselves and others. They can become overly emotional at times. High Responders desire to help and relieve the emotional pain of others.
THE SHAPER LANGUAGE™
SHAPER: Organized, Visionary, Focused, Delegating, Strategic, and Efficient.
“The primary skill of a manager consists of knowing how to make assignments and picking the right people to carry out those assignments.” -- Lee Iacocca
Shapers tend to be concerned about results and will sacrifice short-range gratification or relationships for long-range-goals. They may over-delegate, drive self and others, or withdraw. High Shapers like to delegate. They are time-conscious, quality-conscious, structure-conscious, and often patient in accomplishing goals.
THE PRODUCER LANGUAGE(tm)
PRODUCER: Gracious, Responsible, Philanthropic, Resourceful, Thoughtful, and Hospitable.
“Security lies in our ability to produce. You may create success, but if you do not continue to produce and manage it, there will be no security.” -- Gen. Douglas MacArthur
These people tend to be excellent money managers, event planners, gracious, and hospitable. They usually have good verbal skills, operate from a position of sufficiency, and are time-conscious. They can be controlling and demanding, but subtle. High Producers tend to retire with financial dignity.
THE CONTEMPLATOR LANGUAGE?
CONTEMPLATOR: Inquisitive, Reflective, Sensitive, Peaceful, Calm, and Complex.
“I think and think for months and years. Ninety-nine times the conclusion is false. The hundredth time I am right.” -- Albert Einstein
Contemplators rely on reasoning, logic, and process orientation. They are loyal, good listeners, and thorough researchers. They tend to think before doing anything. They are not overly time conscious and often are mentally preoccupied. They tend to have unique spatial needs. They may be passive - aggressive when wronged.
High Contemplators generally have very high IQ’s.
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